I'm feeling frustrated. Everyone I talk to who is doing online dating seems to be getting some kind of success from it - I seem to be the exception. Don't get me wrong - I'm really happy for them. I'm just frustrated for myself because I'm trying really hard.
Two months ago I added a profile on the free dating website Plenty of Fish. A couple of friends of mine have profiles on there and have been out on a number of dates. However, they have had differing approaches. One has added a profile and a couple of pictures and mostly left it to see what has happened - women have contacted him. The other has been tinkering with his profile every couple of days for 5 months.
The 'tinkerer' has been incredibly pro-active with messaging women. Occasionally, he has sat there sending messages all day - to 30 women or more - and has received 2 or 3 responses. His approach is to use crazy humour, to really stand out from the crowd. Does it work - well, I'm not sure 2 or 3 responses from 30 emails can be regarded as conclusive proof of success. Plus, he hasn't really found a connection with any of the women he has subsequently dated.
I have spent about three or four hours in total tinkering with my Plenty of Fish profile. I've sent messages to about 10 women (I'm being quite choosy - but then, I think you kind-of have to be when it comes to this website). Almost every message has either been read and not replied to, or has been read and deleted. The only exception to that was a reply that I got from one woman saying "very funny, that really made me laugh". That was nice, but when I tried to reply to her again, I discovered she had blocked me. I had obviously made her laugh, but she wasn't interested in me.
So, I've pretty much given up with Plenty of Fish. Match.com (a 'paid for' site) isn't proving any easier though. Again, I've been tinkering with my profile for hours. I have asked the opinions of a few friends and one says I should remove some of the humour, another says I should remove some of the serious stuff and replace it with humour. So, I really have no clue what to do. Perhaps it doesn't even matter - maybe women are just put off by my photographs and never read the profile. So far, I've sent messages to 9 women on match.com. 7 of those have simply read the message and not replied. Therein lies the frustration...
I'm someone who likes to be in control of things and to work on things until I get them right - I'm a perfectionist - that is how I have succeeded in business and life up until now. The problem with this online dating stuff is that I get no feedback. I spend ages crafting a really nice email, only to have it read and receive nothing back. It's a bit like spending ages choosing someone a present for Christmas, posting it to them and hearing nothing back - did they like it? I want to know what put the woman off - was it my photo, was it some part of my profile, does she have too many men to talk to already? At least by hearing some kind of feedback, I can know whether there is anything I can improve and what did and didn't work.
To make things more frustrating, I was having a chat with a friend of mine tonight. I was telling him about how I had an invite to Ladies' Day at Plumpton on Sunday. He interrupted me and said "don't try too hard... don't go looking for love, it will find you when you least expect it". To an extent, I agree with that. But at the same time, if you don't buy a lottery ticket then you can't hope to ever win the lottery.
I could go and live as a monk in a monastery - that would seriously limit my chances of meeting someone. So, it's all about doing the right things to give yourself a chance. I work a lot from home - so I don't meet people at work. That means that I have to take opportunities like the one on Sunday. Also, two months ago I would never have dreamt of going to something like this - to put myself in a position where I'm going to be out all day with a bunch of people that I don't know.
Last week I was talking to another guy, moderate looking, about 45 years old, who is enjoying success with match.com and another 'paid for' online dating site. He told me that he thought that "men have the advantage" in online dating (I can't see it!). Every couple of nights, he sits there and sends a couple of messages (standard, introduction emails) to women on these websites. He is choosy - he picks thin women, of a certain height, who have logged on within the last 3 days. He gets regular dates.
However, I then pointed out an attractive woman across the room and said to him "if you liked the look of that lady, would you approach her to talk to her?" He told me that he had no approach techniques and wouldn't even consider it. "So, you would not say anything and regret it later on?", I asked him. "Yes", he replied. We're back to the lottery ticket thing again... he isn't fully in the game.
So, I think I'm trying all the right things - I'm keeping lots of doors open in the hope that success will come from one of them. Better that than just hide myself away and hope. I guess I'm just looking for a bit of a break - some feedback that I exist. At times, this evening, I've really felt like giving up.
Friday, 18 September 2009
The Jacket Potato Portrait
When you're feeling a bit down, it's always good to be able to go out and meet up with friends, especially if they know you well and know what you are going through. It can really help cheer you up. The other day, I went out for lunch in my local cafe, run by a couple of friends of mine. I ordered a jacket potato and tuna and they brought me this magnificent food portrait...
Needless to say, I laughed lots.
Needless to say, I laughed lots.
Monday, 14 September 2009
A Feeling Of Warmth From In-Laws
Now and again you receive a comment from someone; an unexpected comment that gives you a real feeling of warmth inside. On Sunday evening, I had one of those moments. My in-laws (my 2nd family) organised a barbecue in the evening and I, as part of the family, was invited over.
When I arrived, my wife (should I be calling her my ex-wife yet?) was there with her new guy and with my son. As soon as she saw me, she said "you didn't tell me you were coming this evening", to which I replied "you didn't ask!". She didn't find that amusing and I could tell that she was rather put out that I was there - she didn't say much to me all evening and mostly avoided me. But then the whole situation with her and her family was a bit prickly with her new guy there. I, on the other hand, was having a great time talking to everyone, making everyone laugh and generally just being myself - it was just like normal family times and everyone was enjoying me being there.
Anyway, I'm straying away from the point. this lovely comment that I received was shortly after I arrived, when I was telling my Mother-in-law about the fun I had at the wedding reception. I was telling her all about how the female friend that I took with me managed to spill wine all over the TV presenter's jacket. She turned to me, all excited, and said "a new girlfriend?". To which I replied "no, afraid not, she is quite a bit older than me, we used to work together, and we are just friends". Then came the comment from her - "shame, I'm really looking forward to you bringing a new girlfriend around". That produced an amazing feeling inside me - her showing that she loves and cares for me, and thinks no less of me, even after everything that has happened.
When I arrived, my wife (should I be calling her my ex-wife yet?) was there with her new guy and with my son. As soon as she saw me, she said "you didn't tell me you were coming this evening", to which I replied "you didn't ask!". She didn't find that amusing and I could tell that she was rather put out that I was there - she didn't say much to me all evening and mostly avoided me. But then the whole situation with her and her family was a bit prickly with her new guy there. I, on the other hand, was having a great time talking to everyone, making everyone laugh and generally just being myself - it was just like normal family times and everyone was enjoying me being there.
Anyway, I'm straying away from the point. this lovely comment that I received was shortly after I arrived, when I was telling my Mother-in-law about the fun I had at the wedding reception. I was telling her all about how the female friend that I took with me managed to spill wine all over the TV presenter's jacket. She turned to me, all excited, and said "a new girlfriend?". To which I replied "no, afraid not, she is quite a bit older than me, we used to work together, and we are just friends". Then came the comment from her - "shame, I'm really looking forward to you bringing a new girlfriend around". That produced an amazing feeling inside me - her showing that she loves and cares for me, and thinks no less of me, even after everything that has happened.
Wedding Reception Fun
As part of my 'recovery', I've been saying "yes" to lots of recent invitations. These included a wedding reception over the weekend and a trip to Ladies Day at Plumpton this coming Sunday. I thought that the wedding reception would be a nice, friendly occasion in which to meet and chat to some new people. It turned out to be an enjoyable and interesting evening.
I took a female friend of mine along to Saturday's evening reception and we arrived shortly after the scheduled start time. The evening didn't start off too well. As we walked in, an old work boss was sitting at a table across the room and he waved us across. He isn't someone I particularly like or get on with, so I really wasn't enjoying it. We sat with him for a while, whilst he talked... and talked... and talked. I was beginning to curse my luck, when the canapes came out, which made life a bit more interesting.
We didn't have the usual canapes for this function, oh no. These were mini, traditional favourites like banger and mash (dip), fish and chip, welsh rarebit and jacket potato (all miniature). Great fun, and very pleasant. After devouring our fair share of canapes (or MORE than our fair share, in the case of my friend), I made the decision to go and talk to a few people. So I went across and sat down with an old friend from primary school, that I recognised. That was when the evening started getting a bit more interesting.
An interesting guest to this wedding reception was a well-known local TV presenter. She is very attractive to look at, and she knows it, and you could see the men gawping at her all evening. At one point, she was standing quite near to a bald guy who looked a lot like Harry Hill (it wasn't him). So I was tempted, though didn't find the courage, to go up to her with a camera and say "hi, I would really love to get my photo taken with a famous person..." then pass the camera to her, grab the Harry Hill look-alike and say "Harry, come here a sec...".
What was impressive, was that the brother of the groom went up and started talking to her casually and they chatted for quite a long time. She ended up giving him her phone number (he didn't ask for it). With all of my reading of The Game (the pick-up book by Neil Strauss), I was interested to hear about his technique, so I spoke to him about it later on. I was expecting him to tell me that he had used some kind of cool opening line on her. But he said that he didn't do anything special. He told me that he was thinking about going up to talk to her for a couple of hours before he did. Then he just went up and introduced himself as the brother of the groom - "Hi, I'm x, I'm y's brother". That was it - they just chatted normally from then on. It just shows - if you just act natural and show an interest in the person and talk normally, that really can work.
As a funny side to all that, the friend, that I took with me, managed to accidentally spill white wine on the TV presenter's jacket (which was left on a seat at our table) when her handbag caught on the chair as she walked past it. I was trying to tempt her to drop some wedding cake in the lady's handbag as an 'added extra'...
From the point of view of getting out, meeting and confidently talking to people, the event was a success. It was a great help having a couple of people there that I knew, as I was able to go and sit down at their table and be relaxed with them before introducing myself to the other strangers around them. It would have been more difficult to go and sit down with a table of people who I didn't know at all, and that is a challenge that I am looking to succeed with in future. I also learned something else from that evening - that I don't need to drink to become relaxed. I drove to the event, so I had one glass of champagne when I arrived and was on soft drinks for the rest of the evening. My mind felt clear and I felt confident, without drinking alcohol.
As I mentioned earlier on; this Sunday I am off to Ladies Day at Plumpton Race Course for a friend's 30th birthday. It will be a bigger challenge for me, as the only person I will know will be the birthday boy himself. So this will be a good opportunity for me to meet and talk to new people.
I took a female friend of mine along to Saturday's evening reception and we arrived shortly after the scheduled start time. The evening didn't start off too well. As we walked in, an old work boss was sitting at a table across the room and he waved us across. He isn't someone I particularly like or get on with, so I really wasn't enjoying it. We sat with him for a while, whilst he talked... and talked... and talked. I was beginning to curse my luck, when the canapes came out, which made life a bit more interesting.
We didn't have the usual canapes for this function, oh no. These were mini, traditional favourites like banger and mash (dip), fish and chip, welsh rarebit and jacket potato (all miniature). Great fun, and very pleasant. After devouring our fair share of canapes (or MORE than our fair share, in the case of my friend), I made the decision to go and talk to a few people. So I went across and sat down with an old friend from primary school, that I recognised. That was when the evening started getting a bit more interesting.
An interesting guest to this wedding reception was a well-known local TV presenter. She is very attractive to look at, and she knows it, and you could see the men gawping at her all evening. At one point, she was standing quite near to a bald guy who looked a lot like Harry Hill (it wasn't him). So I was tempted, though didn't find the courage, to go up to her with a camera and say "hi, I would really love to get my photo taken with a famous person..." then pass the camera to her, grab the Harry Hill look-alike and say "Harry, come here a sec...".
What was impressive, was that the brother of the groom went up and started talking to her casually and they chatted for quite a long time. She ended up giving him her phone number (he didn't ask for it). With all of my reading of The Game (the pick-up book by Neil Strauss), I was interested to hear about his technique, so I spoke to him about it later on. I was expecting him to tell me that he had used some kind of cool opening line on her. But he said that he didn't do anything special. He told me that he was thinking about going up to talk to her for a couple of hours before he did. Then he just went up and introduced himself as the brother of the groom - "Hi, I'm x, I'm y's brother". That was it - they just chatted normally from then on. It just shows - if you just act natural and show an interest in the person and talk normally, that really can work.
As a funny side to all that, the friend, that I took with me, managed to accidentally spill white wine on the TV presenter's jacket (which was left on a seat at our table) when her handbag caught on the chair as she walked past it. I was trying to tempt her to drop some wedding cake in the lady's handbag as an 'added extra'...
From the point of view of getting out, meeting and confidently talking to people, the event was a success. It was a great help having a couple of people there that I knew, as I was able to go and sit down at their table and be relaxed with them before introducing myself to the other strangers around them. It would have been more difficult to go and sit down with a table of people who I didn't know at all, and that is a challenge that I am looking to succeed with in future. I also learned something else from that evening - that I don't need to drink to become relaxed. I drove to the event, so I had one glass of champagne when I arrived and was on soft drinks for the rest of the evening. My mind felt clear and I felt confident, without drinking alcohol.
As I mentioned earlier on; this Sunday I am off to Ladies Day at Plumpton Race Course for a friend's 30th birthday. It will be a bigger challenge for me, as the only person I will know will be the birthday boy himself. So this will be a good opportunity for me to meet and talk to new people.
Friday, 11 September 2009
Handy Self-Esteem Test
This evening I tried a self-esteem test on this website. It involved answering 79 quick questions with rating scales from 1 to 5 (you select which applies best). The test took about four or five minutes to complete.
My sense of self-worth: 70 out of 100.
"Your results indicate that your sense of self-worth is fairly healthy. You rarely put yourself down or fall victim to self-depreciating statements. There are certain attitudes and beliefs that have been found to contribute to and "feed" a positive self-image, and you appear to have many of them. Examples would be believing that you deserve to be loved or respected, believing that you’re good enough for someone, and focusing on your good qualities rather than only your perceived faults. While you may not necessarily feel all of these things all of the time, your opinion of yourself is generally quite positive. This is a healthy attitude to have, as a poor sense of self-worth can hold you back from pursuing your goals, cause you unnecessary stress, and even become self-fulfilling prophecies."
Whilst going through some of the questions, I found myself thinking "two months ago, I would have given a much less positive response, but now I feel more positive". So, it felt good - I'm making progress. I am going to repeat this test in 6 months time and see what score I get then.
If you think you may suffer from low self-esteem, give the test a try.
My sense of self-worth: 70 out of 100.
"Your results indicate that your sense of self-worth is fairly healthy. You rarely put yourself down or fall victim to self-depreciating statements. There are certain attitudes and beliefs that have been found to contribute to and "feed" a positive self-image, and you appear to have many of them. Examples would be believing that you deserve to be loved or respected, believing that you’re good enough for someone, and focusing on your good qualities rather than only your perceived faults. While you may not necessarily feel all of these things all of the time, your opinion of yourself is generally quite positive. This is a healthy attitude to have, as a poor sense of self-worth can hold you back from pursuing your goals, cause you unnecessary stress, and even become self-fulfilling prophecies."
Whilst going through some of the questions, I found myself thinking "two months ago, I would have given a much less positive response, but now I feel more positive". So, it felt good - I'm making progress. I am going to repeat this test in 6 months time and see what score I get then.
If you think you may suffer from low self-esteem, give the test a try.
Meditation Class - Week 2
In this week's class, we tried two new meditations and also touched upon what we, as people, can and can't control and how we treat other people.
Our teacher made a very good point to start off with. Meditation is all about relaxing and controlling our own minds. Rather than trying to control the world around us, it is much easier to control our own perceptions of the world. As an example, would we look to lay carpet over the whole world so that we have a nice soft surface to walk on. Or would it be easier for us to just put on a pair of comfortable shoes?
The very reason that I chose to do these meditation classes is to get more control over my thoughts and feelings. Some of the ideas raised made me wonder just how much better we would do at school (and early on in life), and how much more productive and accepting we would be as people, if we learned some methods of controlling our minds, and learned how to appreciate others, early on in life.
Our first meditation involved us getting into a relaxed state and then picturing all of the parts of our body bunched together. Then, one by one, we visualised each body part dissolving away into brilliant light. By the end, we were imagining that we had the outer shell of our body, full of brilliant white light inside - full of positive energy. At first, I found this visualisation quite difficult, but then I began to relax into it and it worked quite well for me. I need to practice these meditation techniques a lot more in order to learn to stop little thoughts coming through to interrupt (as they invariably do when you start off).
The second meditation was a lot harder, and was about us finding our heart chakra - the centre from which love emanates from us. This is located somewhere around the middle of the chest. We had to think about this area, and imagine there was a deep hole there (and focus on it). I was told afterwards that this is one of the trickiest meditations to get the hang of, so I'm guessing we might be trying that one again next week.
After the meditations, the teacher made a very interesting point that I have always believed and try to do myself. So, it is a very apt way to end this blog post. The world would be a much friendlier place if we all learn to focus on the good points that people have. As we get to know people more and more, it becomes natural to start seeing people's faults and to focus on those and become blind to the good parts of their personality. Instead, we should realise that everyone has their faults (that is part of what makes us unique), but the positive elements are far more important!
read about last week's meditation class
Our teacher made a very good point to start off with. Meditation is all about relaxing and controlling our own minds. Rather than trying to control the world around us, it is much easier to control our own perceptions of the world. As an example, would we look to lay carpet over the whole world so that we have a nice soft surface to walk on. Or would it be easier for us to just put on a pair of comfortable shoes?
The very reason that I chose to do these meditation classes is to get more control over my thoughts and feelings. Some of the ideas raised made me wonder just how much better we would do at school (and early on in life), and how much more productive and accepting we would be as people, if we learned some methods of controlling our minds, and learned how to appreciate others, early on in life.
Our first meditation involved us getting into a relaxed state and then picturing all of the parts of our body bunched together. Then, one by one, we visualised each body part dissolving away into brilliant light. By the end, we were imagining that we had the outer shell of our body, full of brilliant white light inside - full of positive energy. At first, I found this visualisation quite difficult, but then I began to relax into it and it worked quite well for me. I need to practice these meditation techniques a lot more in order to learn to stop little thoughts coming through to interrupt (as they invariably do when you start off).
The second meditation was a lot harder, and was about us finding our heart chakra - the centre from which love emanates from us. This is located somewhere around the middle of the chest. We had to think about this area, and imagine there was a deep hole there (and focus on it). I was told afterwards that this is one of the trickiest meditations to get the hang of, so I'm guessing we might be trying that one again next week.
After the meditations, the teacher made a very interesting point that I have always believed and try to do myself. So, it is a very apt way to end this blog post. The world would be a much friendlier place if we all learn to focus on the good points that people have. As we get to know people more and more, it becomes natural to start seeing people's faults and to focus on those and become blind to the good parts of their personality. Instead, we should realise that everyone has their faults (that is part of what makes us unique), but the positive elements are far more important!
read about last week's meditation class
Monday, 7 September 2009
The Return of My Family
Well, Saturday night wasn't great (story here) and Sunday evening wasn't a whole lot easier. My ex-wife, her new boyfriend and my son have just returned from a month away in America. It was difficult being away from my son for such a long period of time so soon after the events of May/June. When I met up with him after they got back, he seemed so different. His vocabulary has got bigger and he has grown taller and has become more independent - all within four weeks.
It has been a very difficult month. We all cope with grief in different ways. So my automatic response to not seeing my son for a month was the same as the way in which I dealt with losing my Dad and my wife splitting up with me. That is to say that I had put them all to the back of my mind - as if I had lost them my wife and son too. I didn't deliberately do it, it was just my coping mechanism. So, as soon as I found out they were back the feelings all came back again. I was really happy to see my son again, but I felt all those feelings of hurt all over again from the split with my wife.
On Sunday evening, we were all invited over to my second family's house (my ex-wife's family) for a family birthday dinner. It was a fun occasion and we all enjoyed ourselves. But it was difficult hearing them talk about their holiday. I felt that I should have been there sharing those experiences with her and seeing my son enjoying himself - six months ago I was! Instead, this strange man was sharing those experiences. There is now a gap in our lives - a period of time that they have memories for that I will never have. Did they have fun all the time - well, no. In chatting to my wife, she said that they also had a fair amount of arguments - that made me feel a bit better.
It wasn't just difficult hearing about the fun that they had. It was hard seeing her again. There are two sides to my ex-wife. One side that I absolutely love - yes, I still do. Then there is the other, more difficult, side - the side that is difficult to live with and emotionally draining. I know we all have different sides to us and we all have things about each other that we like more than others. I'm no exception to that. My point is that the arguments always erupted, and things said and decisions made, when she was in that other mood. Last night, she was showing the side of her that I love. She had just returned from a great time away, so that is the reason for her mood. She was relaxed, not stressed, and was a delight to be around.
It was a hard evening and we both acknowledged that we had missed each other at the end of the evening. I guess evenings like that will become normal after a while.
It has been a very difficult month. We all cope with grief in different ways. So my automatic response to not seeing my son for a month was the same as the way in which I dealt with losing my Dad and my wife splitting up with me. That is to say that I had put them all to the back of my mind - as if I had lost them my wife and son too. I didn't deliberately do it, it was just my coping mechanism. So, as soon as I found out they were back the feelings all came back again. I was really happy to see my son again, but I felt all those feelings of hurt all over again from the split with my wife.
On Sunday evening, we were all invited over to my second family's house (my ex-wife's family) for a family birthday dinner. It was a fun occasion and we all enjoyed ourselves. But it was difficult hearing them talk about their holiday. I felt that I should have been there sharing those experiences with her and seeing my son enjoying himself - six months ago I was! Instead, this strange man was sharing those experiences. There is now a gap in our lives - a period of time that they have memories for that I will never have. Did they have fun all the time - well, no. In chatting to my wife, she said that they also had a fair amount of arguments - that made me feel a bit better.
It wasn't just difficult hearing about the fun that they had. It was hard seeing her again. There are two sides to my ex-wife. One side that I absolutely love - yes, I still do. Then there is the other, more difficult, side - the side that is difficult to live with and emotionally draining. I know we all have different sides to us and we all have things about each other that we like more than others. I'm no exception to that. My point is that the arguments always erupted, and things said and decisions made, when she was in that other mood. Last night, she was showing the side of her that I love. She had just returned from a great time away, so that is the reason for her mood. She was relaxed, not stressed, and was a delight to be around.
It was a hard evening and we both acknowledged that we had missed each other at the end of the evening. I guess evenings like that will become normal after a while.
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