Knowing When To Stop Listening

Last weekend, I was due to attend the birthday party of my 5 year old Godson. I'm Godfather to 3 children in total. I was using the birthday party, on the Sunday, as my first opportunity to catch up with two of my friends - friends of mine and my ex-wife's for the last 8 years. However, the female friend is my ex-wife's best friend and they go way back. I was asked if I wanted to come along to the party a month ago, and was told that my ex-wife and her new partner would be there too. I said I didn't have a problem with that and expected them to be there. However, on Saturday I received a phone call from my ex-wife asking me why I had not told her I was attending and that she WOULDN'T be attending because I was going. I explained that I had just assumed she knew, and, because I didn't have a problem with it, that she wouldn't have a problem either. Obviously I was wrong.

Now, we got into a bit of a heated conversation. When I say "heated", I actually mean that she turned around and said some pretty nasty things about me being thoughtless and spiteful and that I was trying to take her friends and family away from her. I told her that she should give her friends and family a bit more credit - they can make up their minds themselves about who they want to remain friends with. I then pointed out that it takes two to tango - IE: they haven't phoned her, but she hasn't phoned them either. Her response was that it was a "fair point".

I offered to drive ALL of us over to the party on the Sunday - including her new partner. I pointed out that I was "being thoughtful" and her reply was "well, shame you haven't done that for the last 3 years". Ouch!

I spent Saturday evening feeling really down and upset. It seems that no matter how well I do at getting myself back up to a high, it only takes a few words from her to take me all the way back down again. As she points out, she is supposed to know me better than anyone else. Yet, she seems to be the only one who thinks that I'm thoughtless. When I mentioned the argument to a couple of friends, who know me quite well, they pointed out that I was very thoughtful - one of the most thoughtful people they've ever met.

The birthday party on Sunday was very strange. I wasn't sure what reaction I would get. But, it was all incredibly positive. My ex-wife's best friend was really happy to see me and her husband said that he isn't ever going to speak to my ex again "after what she has done". I told him that I didn't want that - my ex will need support and friends and he should still remain friends with her if he can (but, again, it's his free choice). The biggest surprise came from my ex-wife's best friend's Mum (stay with me on this one, it's getting complex). She has known my ex for over 15 years. Yet, she came up and offered me support and a hug, said she couldn't understand it and even gave me her home phone number incase I needed someone to talk to. I was quite taken aback.

It was only on Monday that I began to realise that I've got to toughen myself up and stop allowing comments from my ex to get to me. She is supposed to know me better than anyone, and yet she clearly doesn't. Everyone finds her situation incredibly strange and it's obvious to me that she is in a downward spiral and has problems. She wants to see me being upset and grovelling to have her back, but I'm not. That's got to hurt. I will continue to do what I can to help her and hope that she gets better and gets a life back that she is happy with. But I'm not going to let her project her problems on to me and drive me down.