Plenty Of Fish? They Don't Like My Bait!

I'm feeling frustrated. Everyone I talk to who is doing online dating seems to be getting some kind of success from it - I seem to be the exception. Don't get me wrong - I'm really happy for them. I'm just frustrated for myself because I'm trying really hard.

Two months ago I added a profile on the free dating website Plenty of Fish. A couple of friends of mine have profiles on there and have been out on a number of dates. However, they have had differing approaches. One has added a profile and a couple of pictures and mostly left it to see what has happened - women have contacted him. The other has been tinkering with his profile every couple of days for 5 months.

The 'tinkerer' has been incredibly pro-active with messaging women. Occasionally, he has sat there sending messages all day - to 30 women or more - and has received 2 or 3 responses. His approach is to use crazy humour, to really stand out from the crowd. Does it work - well, I'm not sure 2 or 3 responses from 30 emails can be regarded as conclusive proof of success. Plus, he hasn't really found a connection with any of the women he has subsequently dated.

I have spent about three or four hours in total tinkering with my Plenty of Fish profile. I've sent messages to about 10 women (I'm being quite choosy - but then, I think you kind-of have to be when it comes to this website). Almost every message has either been read and not replied to, or has been read and deleted. The only exception to that was a reply that I got from one woman saying "very funny, that really made me laugh". That was nice, but when I tried to reply to her again, I discovered she had blocked me. I had obviously made her laugh, but she wasn't interested in me.

So, I've pretty much given up with Plenty of Fish. Match.com (a 'paid for' site) isn't proving any easier though. Again, I've been tinkering with my profile for hours. I have asked the opinions of a few friends and one says I should remove some of the humour, another says I should remove some of the serious stuff and replace it with humour. So, I really have no clue what to do. Perhaps it doesn't even matter - maybe women are just put off by my photographs and never read the profile. So far, I've sent messages to 9 women on match.com. 7 of those have simply read the message and not replied. Therein lies the frustration...

I'm someone who likes to be in control of things and to work on things until I get them right - I'm a perfectionist - that is how I have succeeded in business and life up until now. The problem with this online dating stuff is that I get no feedback. I spend ages crafting a really nice email, only to have it read and receive nothing back. It's a bit like spending ages choosing someone a present for Christmas, posting it to them and hearing nothing back - did they like it? I want to know what put the woman off - was it my photo, was it some part of my profile, does she have too many men to talk to already? At least by hearing some kind of feedback, I can know whether there is anything I can improve and what did and didn't work.

To make things more frustrating, I was having a chat with a friend of mine tonight. I was telling him about how I had an invite to Ladies' Day at Plumpton on Sunday. He interrupted me and said "don't try too hard... don't go looking for love, it will find you when you least expect it". To an extent, I agree with that. But at the same time, if you don't buy a lottery ticket then you can't hope to ever win the lottery.

I could go and live as a monk in a monastery - that would seriously limit my chances of meeting someone. So, it's all about doing the right things to give yourself a chance. I work a lot from home - so I don't meet people at work. That means that I have to take opportunities like the one on Sunday. Also, two months ago I would never have dreamt of going to something like this - to put myself in a position where I'm going to be out all day with a bunch of people that I don't know.

Last week I was talking to another guy, moderate looking, about 45 years old, who is enjoying success with match.com and another 'paid for' online dating site. He told me that he thought that "men have the advantage" in online dating (I can't see it!). Every couple of nights, he sits there and sends a couple of messages (standard, introduction emails) to women on these websites. He is choosy - he picks thin women, of a certain height, who have logged on within the last 3 days. He gets regular dates.

However, I then pointed out an attractive woman across the room and said to him "if you liked the look of that lady, would you approach her to talk to her?" He told me that he had no approach techniques and wouldn't even consider it. "So, you would not say anything and regret it later on?", I asked him. "Yes", he replied. We're back to the lottery ticket thing again... he isn't fully in the game.

So, I think I'm trying all the right things - I'm keeping lots of doors open in the hope that success will come from one of them. Better that than just hide myself away and hope. I guess I'm just looking for a bit of a break - some feedback that I exist. At times, this evening, I've really felt like giving up.