Tomorrow morning, I leave for a holiday in Japan. I will be there for two weeks visiting my brother and I'm really looking forward to it. However, inside me there are a couple of things that I'm finding a little hard. Firstly, I'm taking my Dad's old camera equipment with me. So, opening it all up to check it over I couldn't help but remember some of the occasions that I went out with him taking photographs. He would have loved to have seen Japan and would, no doubt, have filled up a memory card or two full of great shots. He would have very much approved of me taking it with me though, so my brother and I will get some great shots for him.
The second tough thing is that I'm going to miss my son. It sounds a bit silly - afterall, I'm only going for two weeks. But, this feeling is the same one I had when I went on a trip to Ireland (for 3 days) a year ago when I suffered badly from depression. It was a horrid trip - I distinctly remember being at Heathrow airport feeling incredibly homesick. I was in Dixons when Michael Buble's song "I want to go home…" started belting out of the speaker system. That briefly made me smile and think "come on, give me a break!". Skype was a lifesaver last year - I was able to get to the hotel, boot up my laptop and Skype chat with my wife and son. Boy, did that make things easier. This year, things are rather different.
I think the time of year doesn't help - the clocks have just gone back and it's been incredibly gloomy the last couple of days. Unlike last year, I'm no longer on the anti-depressants and there is no doubt that there will be some hard times to cope with now that I'm off them. To my advantage, my mind feels a lot stronger than last year, so I need to keep reframing those negative thoughts to positive ones. I'm about to close the computer down and go around the corner to say goodbye to my son - I'm looking forward to the hug, but not the goodbye.
I need to remember how far I've come. Three months ago, I would never have considered doing something as mentally difficult as going overseas. Just going out down the road was difficult enough. I'm certain that when I get on the plane, I will be fine. In the meantime - positive thoughts!!
Wednesday 28 October 2009
Knowing When To Stop Listening
Last weekend, I was due to attend the birthday party of my 5 year old Godson. I'm Godfather to 3 children in total. I was using the birthday party, on the Sunday, as my first opportunity to catch up with two of my friends - friends of mine and my ex-wife's for the last 8 years. However, the female friend is my ex-wife's best friend and they go way back. I was asked if I wanted to come along to the party a month ago, and was told that my ex-wife and her new partner would be there too. I said I didn't have a problem with that and expected them to be there. However, on Saturday I received a phone call from my ex-wife asking me why I had not told her I was attending and that she WOULDN'T be attending because I was going. I explained that I had just assumed she knew, and, because I didn't have a problem with it, that she wouldn't have a problem either. Obviously I was wrong.
Now, we got into a bit of a heated conversation. When I say "heated", I actually mean that she turned around and said some pretty nasty things about me being thoughtless and spiteful and that I was trying to take her friends and family away from her. I told her that she should give her friends and family a bit more credit - they can make up their minds themselves about who they want to remain friends with. I then pointed out that it takes two to tango - IE: they haven't phoned her, but she hasn't phoned them either. Her response was that it was a "fair point".
I offered to drive ALL of us over to the party on the Sunday - including her new partner. I pointed out that I was "being thoughtful" and her reply was "well, shame you haven't done that for the last 3 years". Ouch!
I spent Saturday evening feeling really down and upset. It seems that no matter how well I do at getting myself back up to a high, it only takes a few words from her to take me all the way back down again. As she points out, she is supposed to know me better than anyone else. Yet, she seems to be the only one who thinks that I'm thoughtless. When I mentioned the argument to a couple of friends, who know me quite well, they pointed out that I was very thoughtful - one of the most thoughtful people they've ever met.
The birthday party on Sunday was very strange. I wasn't sure what reaction I would get. But, it was all incredibly positive. My ex-wife's best friend was really happy to see me and her husband said that he isn't ever going to speak to my ex again "after what she has done". I told him that I didn't want that - my ex will need support and friends and he should still remain friends with her if he can (but, again, it's his free choice). The biggest surprise came from my ex-wife's best friend's Mum (stay with me on this one, it's getting complex). She has known my ex for over 15 years. Yet, she came up and offered me support and a hug, said she couldn't understand it and even gave me her home phone number incase I needed someone to talk to. I was quite taken aback.
It was only on Monday that I began to realise that I've got to toughen myself up and stop allowing comments from my ex to get to me. She is supposed to know me better than anyone, and yet she clearly doesn't. Everyone finds her situation incredibly strange and it's obvious to me that she is in a downward spiral and has problems. She wants to see me being upset and grovelling to have her back, but I'm not. That's got to hurt. I will continue to do what I can to help her and hope that she gets better and gets a life back that she is happy with. But I'm not going to let her project her problems on to me and drive me down.
Now, we got into a bit of a heated conversation. When I say "heated", I actually mean that she turned around and said some pretty nasty things about me being thoughtless and spiteful and that I was trying to take her friends and family away from her. I told her that she should give her friends and family a bit more credit - they can make up their minds themselves about who they want to remain friends with. I then pointed out that it takes two to tango - IE: they haven't phoned her, but she hasn't phoned them either. Her response was that it was a "fair point".
I offered to drive ALL of us over to the party on the Sunday - including her new partner. I pointed out that I was "being thoughtful" and her reply was "well, shame you haven't done that for the last 3 years". Ouch!
I spent Saturday evening feeling really down and upset. It seems that no matter how well I do at getting myself back up to a high, it only takes a few words from her to take me all the way back down again. As she points out, she is supposed to know me better than anyone else. Yet, she seems to be the only one who thinks that I'm thoughtless. When I mentioned the argument to a couple of friends, who know me quite well, they pointed out that I was very thoughtful - one of the most thoughtful people they've ever met.
The birthday party on Sunday was very strange. I wasn't sure what reaction I would get. But, it was all incredibly positive. My ex-wife's best friend was really happy to see me and her husband said that he isn't ever going to speak to my ex again "after what she has done". I told him that I didn't want that - my ex will need support and friends and he should still remain friends with her if he can (but, again, it's his free choice). The biggest surprise came from my ex-wife's best friend's Mum (stay with me on this one, it's getting complex). She has known my ex for over 15 years. Yet, she came up and offered me support and a hug, said she couldn't understand it and even gave me her home phone number incase I needed someone to talk to. I was quite taken aback.
It was only on Monday that I began to realise that I've got to toughen myself up and stop allowing comments from my ex to get to me. She is supposed to know me better than anyone, and yet she clearly doesn't. Everyone finds her situation incredibly strange and it's obvious to me that she is in a downward spiral and has problems. She wants to see me being upset and grovelling to have her back, but I'm not. That's got to hurt. I will continue to do what I can to help her and hope that she gets better and gets a life back that she is happy with. But I'm not going to let her project her problems on to me and drive me down.
Monday 5 October 2009
My Anti-Depressant Gamble
I've decided to take a gamble. Well, actually, it's more of an educated risk. I went to see my kinesiologist last week. I have seen her about three or four times over the last four months and she has really helped me get over the emotional pain of what has happened to me. The kinesiology that she has tried with me has involved various techniques including some EFT and I have noticed the benefits.
Last week I went to see her and took my medications with me, to test whether my body had problems with them. She tested my antidepressants and found that my body really doesn't get on well with them. That didn't surprise me - they must have cut down half a forest to print the leaflet with the list of side-effects. Yes, it's that long.
My history with anti-depressants is quite long now. I have been on them since I developed depression after my son was born, three years ago. I came off them once last year and went downhill quite quickly again. In fact, coming off that higher dose was horrendous - I was walking around in a zombie state at times, which became quite scary. When I started on anti-depressants, I was on a 20mg dose. Late last year I went down to 10mg, and gradually experienced less side-effects. When I had my breakdown in June/July I went to see my Doctor and he upped my dose to 20mg again. I very quickly noticed the side-effects of this - I really struggled to get a decent amount of sleep and just felt tired all the time. When I started my recovery (and this blog), I took the decision to go back down to the lower dose. Now I'm taking the ultra-bold step of giving them up altogether.
At the end of last week I went to see the Doctor. I went in, sat down and said "I have been taking anti-depressants, but I want to come off them. I realise that this medication is serious stuff, not to be messed with, so I want to do this properly". She asked me about what my reasons were for coming off them and told that I would be coming off them early. I told her that I had been working on ways to get through my emotional problems and have become stronger within myself. I wasn't going to give her an exact list of what I have been doing - EFT, neuro-linguistic programming, meditation, etc. But, even without that, she seemed impressed and we agreed a course of cutting down on the medication. She has advised me to take one pill every other day for a week, then one every three days for a week and then stop.
I can't guarantee that I'm going to be ok with this. Afterall, last time I came off them I really struggled. But the fact is that I don't want these side-effects any longer - I want to sleep properly and not feel tired all the time. Also, I feel like I can take on the full challenge now and have the determination to win. I've had ups and downs recently - some days I've felt like I've been slipping back down again. But, I think that if I keep going with the techniques that I have been learning then I can do it myself, without medication. The tricky times will be in the winter months, when I suffer from seasonal affective disorder.
Last week I went to see her and took my medications with me, to test whether my body had problems with them. She tested my antidepressants and found that my body really doesn't get on well with them. That didn't surprise me - they must have cut down half a forest to print the leaflet with the list of side-effects. Yes, it's that long.
My history with anti-depressants is quite long now. I have been on them since I developed depression after my son was born, three years ago. I came off them once last year and went downhill quite quickly again. In fact, coming off that higher dose was horrendous - I was walking around in a zombie state at times, which became quite scary. When I started on anti-depressants, I was on a 20mg dose. Late last year I went down to 10mg, and gradually experienced less side-effects. When I had my breakdown in June/July I went to see my Doctor and he upped my dose to 20mg again. I very quickly noticed the side-effects of this - I really struggled to get a decent amount of sleep and just felt tired all the time. When I started my recovery (and this blog), I took the decision to go back down to the lower dose. Now I'm taking the ultra-bold step of giving them up altogether.
At the end of last week I went to see the Doctor. I went in, sat down and said "I have been taking anti-depressants, but I want to come off them. I realise that this medication is serious stuff, not to be messed with, so I want to do this properly". She asked me about what my reasons were for coming off them and told that I would be coming off them early. I told her that I had been working on ways to get through my emotional problems and have become stronger within myself. I wasn't going to give her an exact list of what I have been doing - EFT, neuro-linguistic programming, meditation, etc. But, even without that, she seemed impressed and we agreed a course of cutting down on the medication. She has advised me to take one pill every other day for a week, then one every three days for a week and then stop.
I can't guarantee that I'm going to be ok with this. Afterall, last time I came off them I really struggled. But the fact is that I don't want these side-effects any longer - I want to sleep properly and not feel tired all the time. Also, I feel like I can take on the full challenge now and have the determination to win. I've had ups and downs recently - some days I've felt like I've been slipping back down again. But, I think that if I keep going with the techniques that I have been learning then I can do it myself, without medication. The tricky times will be in the winter months, when I suffer from seasonal affective disorder.
First Date For Ten Years
Boy, was I nervous on Saturday morning. I haven't felt like that in years - the feeling of nervousness that I can only liken to being about to go into a job interview or big business meeting. I arrived early and walked along to a nearby supermarket for part of the plan that I had concocted. A friend had given me a tip to always arrive on a date with something as a little gift - something appropriate to who the person is.
I met up with my date - immediately feeling a bit more relaxed once I'd said hello to her. Thankfully all the work I have been doing on self-improvement of confidence, reading body language, leading conversations and being more relaxed paid off because she was obviously very nervous and didn't say too much to start off with. Her body language was certainly displaying uncertainty and being out of her comfort zone.
So, what a few years ago would have been a painful experience was much more enjoyable as I led the conversation and made her laugh a lot. We sat at a cafe for a little while drinking tea. After chatting for a while, I decided to spring my surprise. She had revealed that she had done geography at college for a while, so I told her that if she could name the five oceans of the world, she would get a prize (the thing that I had bought at the supermarket). She looked a little shocked at first - even more so when I told her she could ask other people for help if she didn't know. "well, I won't be doing that," she said.
After drinking our tea, we went for a walk around the harbour. We shared a lot of laughs and talked about some of the stuff that we both like (we share similar tastes in movies and TV programmes). After about an hour and a half, we arrived back at the entrance to the harbour and I reminded her that she hadn't yet fulfilled her challenge. So, she guessed two of the oceans. I then stopped a passer by - an older guy. I said "you look like an intelligent person, can you possibly help us out by telling us the names of the five oceans of the world?" He replied with 4 of them. It was a demonstration of my confidence and she seemed impressed. I let her off the last ocean, telling her what it was. I then led her back to my car and gave her the present - a couple of cookies. I then walked her back to her car and said my goodbyes.
It was an enjoyable first date and within 20 minutes I received a text telling me that she had really enjoyed herself and hopes to see me again. She seems like a nice girl, so I will most likely see her again. Though I don't think there is a great spark there, she did tell me that I was a "very entertaining young man".
I met up with my date - immediately feeling a bit more relaxed once I'd said hello to her. Thankfully all the work I have been doing on self-improvement of confidence, reading body language, leading conversations and being more relaxed paid off because she was obviously very nervous and didn't say too much to start off with. Her body language was certainly displaying uncertainty and being out of her comfort zone.
So, what a few years ago would have been a painful experience was much more enjoyable as I led the conversation and made her laugh a lot. We sat at a cafe for a little while drinking tea. After chatting for a while, I decided to spring my surprise. She had revealed that she had done geography at college for a while, so I told her that if she could name the five oceans of the world, she would get a prize (the thing that I had bought at the supermarket). She looked a little shocked at first - even more so when I told her she could ask other people for help if she didn't know. "well, I won't be doing that," she said.
After drinking our tea, we went for a walk around the harbour. We shared a lot of laughs and talked about some of the stuff that we both like (we share similar tastes in movies and TV programmes). After about an hour and a half, we arrived back at the entrance to the harbour and I reminded her that she hadn't yet fulfilled her challenge. So, she guessed two of the oceans. I then stopped a passer by - an older guy. I said "you look like an intelligent person, can you possibly help us out by telling us the names of the five oceans of the world?" He replied with 4 of them. It was a demonstration of my confidence and she seemed impressed. I let her off the last ocean, telling her what it was. I then led her back to my car and gave her the present - a couple of cookies. I then walked her back to her car and said my goodbyes.
It was an enjoyable first date and within 20 minutes I received a text telling me that she had really enjoyed herself and hopes to see me again. She seems like a nice girl, so I will most likely see her again. Though I don't think there is a great spark there, she did tell me that I was a "very entertaining young man".
Friday 2 October 2009
First Swim For The Tiny Clownfish
After much hard work with the online dating websites, the success appears to be beginning to pay off. I had my first email through match.com earlier this week and, after some emails backwards and forwards, it looks like I'll be heading out tomorrow on my first date for nearly ten years. She seems like a really nice girl and we have a very similar sense of humour. I have some concerns, but that is only natural. My concerns are that, at this stage, I just want to have fun - nothing serious. I'm wondering whether to establish that early on, so that I don't go on to hurt her further down the line - if it gets that far. Or whether just to let things just happen and then approach the subject if she starts getting more serious.
Rather coincidentally, I received my first email from the free dating website Plenty of Fish (POF) a day after the email from match.com. The contrast between the two women couldn't be more vast. While the match.com girl is funny, clever and really nice, the POF girl seems like a rather desperate woman who is living with her ex and is "trying to see if the grass is greener". From what I can see, she likes eating and shopping. If that's not bad enough, her second profile picture is a photo of her breasts (JUST her breasts).
Anyway, I'm nervous but excited about the date with girl number one. Hey, it'll be fun!
Rather coincidentally, I received my first email from the free dating website Plenty of Fish (POF) a day after the email from match.com. The contrast between the two women couldn't be more vast. While the match.com girl is funny, clever and really nice, the POF girl seems like a rather desperate woman who is living with her ex and is "trying to see if the grass is greener". From what I can see, she likes eating and shopping. If that's not bad enough, her second profile picture is a photo of her breasts (JUST her breasts).
Anyway, I'm nervous but excited about the date with girl number one. Hey, it'll be fun!
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